[He nearly wants to say more. In some capacity, to continue the engagement of conversation even if he does not feel personally capable of good company. He finds himself staring down at his phone for a long time.
Perplexed isn't a word strong enough to describe the way Guanshan makes him feel, or how their relationship has transformed in recent weeks. The intimacy, the brutality… how much of it is inherent to who they are? Does he need Guanshan? Had he needed him, that day he had sought him out alone, emotions in tatters and shreds, distraught and miserable? The only answer he can think is yes. Is he capable of voicing that need with the same raw honesty Guanshan seems to have in spades? No. Does he deserve comfort, even through the lens of masochistic pain? No. Unseen, he finds the fresh scar on one his palms and begins rubbing it, until awareness catches up and he forces himself still.
There's no answer.]
Edited (forgot a detail i wanted to add...) 2021-08-04 21:09 (UTC)
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["Build a new family."]
You enjoy connecting with others. I know he is similar. Perhaps you'll be more help for him.
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but i get it
call on me when u need me
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Perplexed isn't a word strong enough to describe the way Guanshan makes him feel, or how their relationship has transformed in recent weeks. The intimacy, the brutality… how much of it is inherent to who they are? Does he need Guanshan? Had he needed him, that day he had sought him out alone, emotions in tatters and shreds, distraught and miserable? The only answer he can think is yes. Is he capable of voicing that need with the same raw honesty Guanshan seems to have in spades? No. Does he deserve comfort, even through the lens of masochistic pain? No. Unseen, he finds the fresh scar on one his palms and begins rubbing it, until awareness catches up and he forces himself still.
There's no answer.]