I would send a letter but this allows for faster communication. I've privated it in spite of it being a direct message to you, just in case. [ Okay, now that security measures are out of the way... ]
[Oh boy....... truthfully, conversations with Sasuke are often fraught, so the knotted tangle of unease at this message isn't new. It just feels more personal, somehow.]
If you mean Jonas' interest in you, then it isn't my place.
I was concerned about his intentions toward you. I can't claim to fully understand what it is he wishes out of such an arrangement. However, he seemed content to accept your decision.
[So, not trying to Be With Sasuke Forever... what is casual dating, it sounds fake.]
Is it because you will leave this place one day and return home?
It's also possible that you'll be here for some time. I'm not suggesting you abandon your responsibilities, but they will remain, regardless.
[Part of Itachi longs to ask, to know what it is his brother sees he must do, what his life is like now. But the question doesn't come.]
Jonas and I spoke about that. He may see his time here differently because he doesn't have a life to return to. He's tolerant of me due to his feelings for you, at the moment.
[ What he doesn't know is why Itachi would bring such a thing up. Everything slows, rereading the words and digesting those that follow but they can wait for a moment... even if not for much longer. There's too much he wants to say in response to so little. ]
Do you think I made the right decision? Your words seem to be encouraging me towards something. Be blunt with me.
[It's something he's never said to Sasuke, possibly did not know how to say it—and couldn't, due to the twisted fate of their relationship—but he's always felt it. For whatever it could mean: peace, calm, a family that was not theirs but instead Sasuke's own. Outside the world of danger and violence on their heels.]
Despite everything I've done.
Edited (why am i blind to typos) 2020-06-20 03:01 (UTC)
The word itself lodges in Sasuke's brain like a pebble in oiled gears, no sign of trouble until suddenly everything grinds to a screeching halt. Happy. Happy. The machinery that makes up his person can process the word as it relates to others, can feign understanding of the concept in fleeting bursts or as a single component in a deeper psychological cross-section of what it means to have a true bond with another human being. He can speak about it. But it's never been something lauded to him as truly valuable and it's never once been breathed in his many discussions of his goals.
It's starting to become bludgeoned as it's tossed around in his mind. Happy... It's mangled until it no longer sounds like a real word, until he can no longer read it as such. Is it his blurry vision? When did that happen? Did his eyes go out of focus? Fingers lift to his face, touching wetness on his cheek before slowly curling into a tight fist.
His father never spoke of happiness. His brother, until now, never did either. They're Uchiha and they're men, primed as clan heads and now, a martyr for the world and a bastion of protection for it. They hold lives in their hands and balance them on their shoulders, and he wants him to still be happy? Does he think he deserves it? ]
[He can't know the extent of the impact his words have caused his younger brother, simply because he is not there to witness it, but he can guess. The reply has him wondering at Sasuke's mind, something which used to seem clear to him before they began to have these conversations—began to speak to one another at all.]
You told me upon my arrival that you knew the truth, that I'd succeeded in my goals.
How much of the truth? How did you learn it? I want to hear what you've come to understand about my motivations through you. Your eyes.
[ For a moment he actually sets the watch down, paying a second's respect to how rattled he was by that single question. Fingers wipe away tears as if that can symbolically also cleanse him of the emotion he isn't prepared to feel, slowly timing a breath in and a breath out before he reads what his brother has to say.
It's far less disarming, a series of questions with logical answers that allow him a chance to level himself back out. When's the last time he had a reaction like that? Two years ago? ]
After your death I lost consciousness. My body was recovered by Uchiha Obito, though at the time he was using the name Uchiha Madara – this is how you would've known him. He was the original Madara's protégé, taking his name when directed and doing his bidding in order to resurrect him to his full potential and begin a new war. The Amaterasu you implanted in my eyes was triggered by his appearance, but he was hiding his own strength from you and was able to avoid real damage.
He told me how you were employed as a double agent against our family, intentionally trying to twist me against the village to serve his own purposes. He discussed how he aided you on that night, how you did everything you could to grow my hatred against you so that I could kill you and both receive praise from the village for dispatching a supposed traitor and serve you the sentence you felt you deserved.
You wanted Konoha to be protected and you wanted me to survive. Both things happened, Itachi.
[Uchiha Obito. There is a lot of information to process, specifically as it concerns the man who he once believed was Madara—the man who helped him eradicate the Uchiha clan, who gave him the sharingan. It isn't a pleasant realization. He dislikes the idea that he was so far in the dark, and even the contingency plan he did have to shield Sasuke from the truth had failed.
But those thoughts are all secondary to the rest of what Sasuke says. His eyes read over those lines several times before he attempts to respond. His chest aches for how it must have felt when his younger brother had all of this ripped to the surface, without him there to speak to it.
It wasn't supposed to happen that way, but neither was he supposed to wake up here, alive, seemingly given a second chance for a relationship with his brother. He is still so undeserving of it.]
The facts are correct. And yes, those were my goals. I wanted you to live, and I wanted you to kill me for my acts, but I also did not consider what this would do to you. Or I willfully ignored it. I cannot pretend I understand why you've forgiven this.
Nor do I think I ever truly knew you, Sasuke. I sacrificed our relationship as soon as I made my decision. It was easier to pretend otherwise. You were my brother; I saw myself in you. I still do, but there is more that is stranger to me than familiar now.
I wanted your protection as much as your survival. I hoped that you would return to Konoha and live out the remainder of your life peacefully if only the truth was not discovered. I'm sorry.
That's why, if such peace and happiness is also obtainable for you here, I would want you to pursue it.
[All of this emotional vulnerability is a culmination of Jonas' most recent words to him—but also Sasuke's, so tirelessly earnest and blunt over the last few months.]
Edited (i guess i'm editing every tag in this thread) 2020-06-21 05:12 (UTC)
Already after the first few lines he braces himself for pain and discomfort but he underestimates his own emotions and again has to turn away, albeit even more briefly than before. Should he judge himself for these feelings? He thought himself above them, considered them part of a closed chapter without resolution. He made peace with that, and now it's being unmade. ]
Peace and happiness back in our world with our relationship destroyed never felt like a tangible reality for me. It feels the same way here.
I will struggle to focus on anything until I feel that things are settled between us. That's what's more important to me.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
the day after That Jonas Post, text, un: sasukeuchiha
I would send a letter but this allows for faster communication. I've privated it in spite of it being a direct message to you, just in case. [ Okay, now that security measures are out of the way... ]
Are you dissatisfied?
no subject
If you mean Jonas' interest in you, then it isn't my place.
no subject
You're my elder brother. It's your place. I want to hear from you.
1/2
no subject
[We'll start there.]
no subject
It'd be unfair to him and to myself to do anything else. I believe you understand.
no subject
But is that what you wanted?
no subject
What did you feel about it?
no subject
I was concerned about his intentions toward you. I can't claim to fully understand what it is he wishes out of such an arrangement. However, he seemed content to accept your decision.
[So, not trying to Be With Sasuke Forever... what is casual dating, it sounds fake.]
Is it because you will leave this place one day and return home?
no subject
[ Yeah, what is casual dating? No Uchiha has ever known. ]
That's the primary reason. I haven't taken the time to examine it in more detail; that alone is enough of a reason. I have responsibilities.
no subject
[Part of Itachi longs to ask, to know what it is his brother sees he must do, what his life is like now. But the question doesn't come.]
Jonas and I spoke about that. He may see his time here differently because he doesn't have a life to return to. He's tolerant of me due to his feelings for you, at the moment.
no subject
[ What he doesn't know is why Itachi would bring such a thing up. Everything slows, rereading the words and digesting those that follow but they can wait for a moment... even if not for much longer. There's too much he wants to say in response to so little. ]
Do you think I made the right decision? Your words seem to be encouraging me towards something. Be blunt with me.
no subject
[It's something he's never said to Sasuke, possibly did not know how to say it—and couldn't, due to the twisted fate of their relationship—but he's always felt it. For whatever it could mean: peace, calm, a family that was not theirs but instead Sasuke's own. Outside the world of danger and violence on their heels.]
Despite everything I've done.
no subject
The word itself lodges in Sasuke's brain like a pebble in oiled gears, no sign of trouble until suddenly everything grinds to a screeching halt. Happy. Happy. The machinery that makes up his person can process the word as it relates to others, can feign understanding of the concept in fleeting bursts or as a single component in a deeper psychological cross-section of what it means to have a true bond with another human being. He can speak about it. But it's never been something lauded to him as truly valuable and it's never once been breathed in his many discussions of his goals.
It's starting to become bludgeoned as it's tossed around in his mind. Happy... It's mangled until it no longer sounds like a real word, until he can no longer read it as such. Is it his blurry vision? When did that happen? Did his eyes go out of focus? Fingers lift to his face, touching wetness on his cheek before slowly curling into a tight fist.
His father never spoke of happiness. His brother, until now, never did either. They're Uchiha and they're men, primed as clan heads and now, a martyr for the world and a bastion of protection for it. They hold lives in their hands and balance them on their shoulders, and he wants him to still be happy? Does he think he deserves it? ]
I don't understand.
no subject
You told me upon my arrival that you knew the truth, that I'd succeeded in my goals.
How much of the truth? How did you learn it? I want to hear what you've come to understand about my motivations through you. Your eyes.
[This conversation only took a few... months.]
no subject
It's far less disarming, a series of questions with logical answers that allow him a chance to level himself back out. When's the last time he had a reaction like that? Two years ago? ]
After your death I lost consciousness. My body was recovered by Uchiha Obito, though at the time he was using the name Uchiha Madara – this is how you would've known him. He was the original Madara's protégé, taking his name when directed and doing his bidding in order to resurrect him to his full potential and begin a new war. The Amaterasu you implanted in my eyes was triggered by his appearance, but he was hiding his own strength from you and was able to avoid real damage.
He told me how you were employed as a double agent against our family, intentionally trying to twist me against the village to serve his own purposes. He discussed how he aided you on that night, how you did everything you could to grow my hatred against you so that I could kill you and both receive praise from the village for dispatching a supposed traitor and serve you the sentence you felt you deserved.
You wanted Konoha to be protected and you wanted me to survive. Both things happened, Itachi.
no subject
But those thoughts are all secondary to the rest of what Sasuke says. His eyes read over those lines several times before he attempts to respond. His chest aches for how it must have felt when his younger brother had all of this ripped to the surface, without him there to speak to it.
It wasn't supposed to happen that way, but neither was he supposed to wake up here, alive, seemingly given a second chance for a relationship with his brother. He is still so undeserving of it.]
The facts are correct. And yes, those were my goals. I wanted you to live, and I wanted you to kill me for my acts, but I also did not consider what this would do to you. Or I willfully ignored it. I cannot pretend I understand why you've forgiven this.
Nor do I think I ever truly knew you, Sasuke. I sacrificed our relationship as soon as I made my decision. It was easier to pretend otherwise. You were my brother; I saw myself in you. I still do, but there is more that is stranger to me than familiar now.
I wanted your protection as much as your survival. I hoped that you would return to Konoha and live out the remainder of your life peacefully if only the truth was not discovered. I'm sorry.
That's why, if such peace and happiness is also obtainable for you here, I would want you to pursue it.
[All of this emotional vulnerability is a culmination of Jonas' most recent words to him—but also Sasuke's, so tirelessly earnest and blunt over the last few months.]
no subject
Already after the first few lines he braces himself for pain and discomfort but he underestimates his own emotions and again has to turn away, albeit even more briefly than before. Should he judge himself for these feelings? He thought himself above them, considered them part of a closed chapter without resolution. He made peace with that, and now it's being unmade. ]
Peace and happiness back in our world with our relationship destroyed never felt like a tangible reality for me. It feels the same way here.
I will struggle to focus on anything until I feel that things are settled between us. That's what's more important to me.
no subject
'Settled between us'. You know everything now, Sasuke. I cannot leave, nor will I succumb to the same fate as before. What else remains?
no subject
[ They're past the point of softening blows. ]
no subject
You've done nothing to me.
no subject
I am culpable.
no subject
2/2 don’t look at me
no subject
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